Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we actually are – Brene Brown
A World of Filters
In a world that rewards “curated” identities and “aesthetic” lifestyles, we are constantly tempted to live behind a facade. We tell ourselves that if we just say the right things, hide our struggles, and project a certain image, we will be more lovable. While pretense may win you attention, only authenticity can win you genuine connection. If you want relationships that are deep, resilient, and real, don’t perform, just start showing up. Here are a few lessons I have learned about authenticity versus pretense.
Pretense is a Debt; Authenticity is an Investment
Pretense is exhausting. It requires a constant mental “fact-check” to ensure your actions match the character you’re playing. It is a debt that eventually comes due in the form of burnout or resentment. Authenticity, however, is an investment. When you show up as your true self, you are building on solid ground. You don’t have to remember what you said or how you acted, because you are being yourself. As a father, I have learned that being authentic starts with my presence and then being an example to my children. I don’t have to be right all the time, but I need to be real.
The “Mirror Effect”
Pretense breeds more pretense. If you show up with a mask, others will likely keep theirs on too. You end up with shadows interacting, but never authentic human beings. Authenticity is contagious. When you have the courage to say, “I’m actually having a really hard time today,” or “I don’t know the answer to that,” you give the other person the “social permit” to drop their guard. You break the cycle of pretense and build relational strength.
Relationships Thrive on Authenticity
The biggest danger of pretense is that even when you are praised or loved, you don’t feel it. Why? Because you know they are referring to the mask, not the person. Pretense leaves you feeling lonely in a room full of people. Authenticity allows you to feel truly seen. A compliment carries massive weight when you know that person has seen your flaws and not used them against you.
The table below highlights key differences between pretense and authenticity.
| The Way of Pretense | The Way of Authenticity |
| Focuses on how it looks. | Focuses on how it feels. |
| Hides mistakes to maintain an image. | Admits mistakes to build trust. |
| Agrees to avoid conflict. | Speaks the truth to find resolution. |
| Seeks approval. | Seeks connection. |
Table 1: The difference between pretense and authenticity
Final Thought: Choosing authenticity over pretense doesn’t mean you have to be “brutally honest” or overshare every thought. It simply means that who you are on the inside matches who you are on the outside. Next time you’re tempted to “polish” your response or hide your true feelings to impress someone, take a breath. Remind yourself that a flawed, authentic version of you is infinitely more attractive than a perfect, pretended one. Relational strength starts the moment the performance ends.
Keep on keeping on!
Discover Your Treasure 