Building Relational Strength

We need to decide how we want to be treated, then treat others in that manner – John C. Maxwell

Finding Value Not Perfection

Nobody is perfect, but everyone is valuable. We live in a world that conditions us to see others through the lens of mistakes, flaws, and faults due to a perfection mentality. When this mindset dictates our outlook, there’s no space for forgiveness, acceptance, and appreciation of differences. Best-selling author Brene Brown said, “Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.” 

In addition to this week’s post, the month’s blog posts will serve to help you build relational strength with the following guide:

1. Value Over Perfection (today’s post)
2. Authenticity Over Pretense (February 12)
3. Transformational over Transactional (February 19)
4. Strength in Trust (February 26)

Finding Value in a Fault-Conditioned World
It’s easier to see faults before value. Building your relational strength requires intentionality. Be intentional about how you view others, because your view determines value. The ultimate goal of relationships should be to bring and add value, no matter how small. When we lose touch with this purpose, especially with long-term relationships, we begin to magnify the flaws in people and minimize our ability to bring and add value. We allow the “wrinkles” we see in others to determine how we treat them. 

Be intentional about how you view others, because your view determines value.

There are three ways we can treat others, directly tied to how we view others; 

1. Worse than they treat you: this mentality never improves the relationship but erodes it. Notice that this path devolves because you always try to top what the other person did. 

2. The same way they treat you: this approach is fair-weathered, dictated by what others do, and is subject to change because it is performance-based. It is a variation of the first path, with the only difference being that sometimes people treat you the right way, and you reciprocate it. Most people view this path as the best, but there is a better path. 

3. Better than they treat you: this approach leads with intentionality and consistency. It reminds me of the golden rule from the Bible: do unto others as you would like them to do unto you. Everyone wants to be treated with respect and viewed as significant. Decide how you want to be treated, then go and treat others the same way or better. 

Diagram 1: showing the different paths we can take in our relationships

The third approach means you are looking for ways to add value to the relationship. You will find flaws and faults in others, especially as the relationship grows, because the closer you get to others, the clearer you see them. Eventually, someone will say or do the wrong thing, and in that moment, you have to decide if you will add value, even if it is by being honest about how you feel, or you will take the path of least resistance and treat them the same way or worse. Value-based relationships are not easy, but they are fulfilling. Choose the third path, stick with it when the “wrinkles” become visible, and watch your relational strength grow. 

Final Thought: What path will you choose? The first two require little to no intentionality, but will sour any relationship. The third path is challenging and requires us to adopt a different perspective and go against the grain. It calls us to see others through their value rather than their flaws. We sweeten our relationships when we treat others better than they treat us. Better relationships are possible. Will you take the right path?

Keep on keeping on.